Day #7974

Every man is an island unto himself.

I think I have been running from the meaning of this quote ever since I read it.
Surely there’s more to life and we’re all interconnected, surely it’s okay to depend on people for your emotional needs and build a life together. And it’s definitely okay to have a shoulder to cry on. Isn’t it?

I tell myself as I sit in the car waiting, watching the little droplets of the leftover rain from this evening roll down the windowpane. I’m reminded of a scene where Eric Carmen’s All by Myself plays in the background. The riff seems to echo in my head as my inner voice repeats to me in denial, maybe I should be enough for myself?

But the sad reality hits me, clearly I’m not. All I’m waiting for is one person to come along, pick up my pieces, and sow me back to life like a torn rag doll, all the while knowing that maybe that’s not the best possible course of action to take here. My happy place shouldn’t be a person, right? I tell myself. Maybe it should just be me.

But how does a torn rag doll pick up the thread and weave it about? Self-healing, although as close to attaining nirvana in this age as possible, is a painful process. Every day another thread begins to unravel and everyday I put another needle through my insides in an effort to not fall apart. It’s humorous in itself, the seemingly simple yet periodic process of picking up the pieces. As if one is never really whole and it’s just their ignorance towards this incompleteness that keeps them content with themselves till the next storm hits them.

“Why don’t you visit me regularly? Why do I only get to see you when something major happens? Maybe we should make this a monthly appointment,” my psychologist suggests one day. “Alright, yes, I guess we should,” I say before I walk out, knowing that I won’t come back the next month. Looking back, I think she knew too.

And so, when you opened the car door today and asked me if I was alright, of course I wasn’t. But I sniffled and blinked my eyes rather tightly, and said, “Never better. Thanks for the ride.”


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